I’m living the most inane double life ever.
It stems from a few things.
1. That I retreated completely inside my own head for the last 6-12 months, to reconsider and reset myself.
2. To do that I used work as an outlet, a place to be where no one expected me to be anyone in particular
3. The outcome of that was to put an inordinate amount of effort into what I was doing, and the outcome of that was to be given lots of opportunities to do new things.
4. I am doing those other things, and have refined them to a point where I’ve become really specifically passionate, and have a pretty solid idea about what I want the next couple of years to look like.
Socially? I am the same quiet, hidden person I’ve been for the last year or so. My friends outside of work see no difference. They probably think I’m still as depressed as I was a last year. Professionally? I’m really, really excited. So there’s this double life at work, and the disconnect is really jarring at times. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop - in either direction. I was at a couple of parties earlier tonight, and after a pretty astounding day at work I was really keen to test myself, see if work Michelle can’t bleed over into social Michelle.
She can’t. And I don’t know, maybe it’s ok. I hang less importance on stuff like that now. It is what it is.
The scarier thing is that it could all very quickly disappear, and I know that so well. I frequently teeter on the edge of something good and then abandon it. My greatest fear is becoming the one who showed potential but kinda faded away, because that is what I always do.
I lost sight of myself for a really long time, but I think the important thing for me to remember is that my dream job has typically involved helping people. And then I stopped being able to be around people, so it was lost. So I’m confident that the work I’m doing at the moment - this weird, independent, preparatory, badgering, formative work - is coming from an honest place. It doesn’t feel like work in the sense that I’m taking on a task set by someone else to be completed, or to fulfill a requirement. I don’t know where it’s going (exactly), or how it’s going to play into my career, but it’s really important to me, and that’s enough in some ways.
And it’s honestly the culmination of what I’ve been slowly realising this last year: we’re all, in our immense, disparate, clumsy, infinitely interesting ways, totally fine - and our immense, disparate, clumsy, infinitely interesting ways need to be encouraged, drawn out, nurtured, utilised.