Well shit. What a ramble bones I am today.
I was just thinking, as I sit at work with no work to do, about how much I revere transience. A lack of rules and structure, a non-repetition of acts, minimal reliance, no responsibility other than to keep moving. I fetishize road trips in this way, the beginning of one is like an overfull heart a normal girl might have about new love,
(I drive at night when I’m bored sometimes, hours trying to get lost. it’s impossible, you know. You cannot get lost in Sydney, or the outlying suburbs.)
but to me is the jubilation at having a far-off destination, the wide-pupilled gaze ahead, away, onward. The excitement wanes the closer I get to a goal: this is true of absolutely every aspect of my life. And when I get there, I am bored. I am bored in the immediate approach. It feels a little like I am packed away like a survivalist, I understand what is coming at any given time and I don’t care for it.
I (ugh) post a lot about Supernatural, and I have only recently figured out that my strange interest in that show is rooted firmly in it’s central theme of transience. There is no home, yet they are not homeless. It’s as simple as that. I enjoy the narrative because it leads around and around and around and around, and even when things are resolved, no one goes home again, but they are not alone. I like that.
I suppose I should say that I am working on changing this, in some vague way. I want to, at least. I’m open to it. I don’t regret anything I’ve done because of my lacking interest in permanence - and it was with a curious mix of pride and confusion that I realised that just now - but I sort of would like to stand still, metaphorically, for a bit. I’m still planning my road trip mid-year but it’s not a pilgrimage, or an end goal. It’s just something I enjoy, being under wall-to-wall sky with no building to hinder the view, with no barrier between here and there; transparency in where I can go, and what that would mean.
ETA: I think this is actually my long-winded way of saying - of realising? - that I might be quite happy right now.